Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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