Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
