____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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