whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
