That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
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