how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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