dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
