people are starting to question the shark bite story
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
