Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
