Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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