textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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