M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He passed out mid-signature
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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