Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
