Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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