Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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