I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
