I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
