so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
we made out on top of his cat.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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