Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
