Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Watching her eat just hurts me
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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