I think I am morally bankrupt
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
