I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
