Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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