Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
