Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?