sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.