I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
