If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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