that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
