Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
