I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
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Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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