Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
