I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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