If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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