I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
