you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
accomplished twins. life is a go
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
