if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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