it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
