can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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