I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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