So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
