the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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