i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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