Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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