my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
