Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
