shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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