Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
