why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
