i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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