nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
