I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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