I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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