great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
