just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
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I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
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Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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