The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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