Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
